Dear Depression...

“Oh, this is life now.”

I’ve really been trying to embrace that as my new mantra per my therapist as of a few sessions back, and I’m really starting to dig it. The range and capacity of that statement alone is perfect for the season of life I’m in. I’m so content knowing, “this is life now.”

The good thing about doing the work in therapy as unglamorous as it can be at times is that when the tide does begin to turn, it’s genuine. And I can feel the tide turning. I had a great weekend celebrating my cousins birthday with our cousins and his friends. Celebrating others’ wins and happy moments has always brought me joy. It’s good to see your people (the people who are always in your corner) win.

So that’s where my focus is right now... celebrating the joy around me, knowing my own is returning and that it will just amplify everything that much more. There is so much more to celebrate coming in the next few weeks, my own birthday includes. If you know me you know that my birthday is not something I’ve actually genuinely celebrated since my 16th birthday. This year we’re changing it up. The fact that I’ve survived, is this years testimony and that is more than enough to celebrate.

Plus this month also brings the last convo. The ex wants to apologize to my face before leaving and honestly I deserve that. I’ve fully avoided anywhere I thought we’d even get caught at the same traffic light, let alone cross paths. If only for the sake of space, for the time being. I’ve thought of what I would or should say, if anything. I want to say something, naturally.

I’m not a perfect person. He’s not the only one who needs to apologize, despite being the one who erred. I expect to hear things that might not be easy to palette. I also hope to share some things that likewise might be hard to hear. My hope is that all things said will be said out of a place of respect, growth and healing. I hope that at least.

So it’s a very odd balance I find myself in these days. This Lagrange of contentment, joy, and anticipation. The same balance of what I hope to find words for, anticipate to hear, and what will eventually transpire. What my flesh wants to say, what my heart wants to say, and what the Lord knows I should say. It’s a different kind of place to be.

And that’s ok. Because this is life now