Dear Depression...

“Oh, this is life now.”

I’ve really been trying to embrace that as my new mantra per my therapist as of a few sessions back, and I’m really starting to dig it. The range and capacity of that statement alone is perfect for the season of life I’m in. I’m so content knowing, “this is life now.”

The good thing about doing the work in therapy as unglamorous as it can be at times is that when the tide does begin to turn, it’s genuine. And I can feel the tide turning. I had a great weekend celebrating my cousins birthday with our cousins and his friends. Celebrating others’ wins and happy moments has always brought me joy. It’s good to see your people (the people who are always in your corner) win.

So that’s where my focus is right now... celebrating the joy around me, knowing my own is returning and that it will just amplify everything that much more. There is so much more to celebrate coming in the next few weeks, my own birthday includes. If you know me you know that my birthday is not something I’ve actually genuinely celebrated since my 16th birthday. This year we’re changing it up. The fact that I’ve survived, is this years testimony and that is more than enough to celebrate.

Plus this month also brings the last convo. The ex wants to apologize to my face before leaving and honestly I deserve that. I’ve fully avoided anywhere I thought we’d even get caught at the same traffic light, let alone cross paths. If only for the sake of space, for the time being. I’ve thought of what I would or should say, if anything. I want to say something, naturally.

I’m not a perfect person. He’s not the only one who needs to apologize, despite being the one who erred. I expect to hear things that might not be easy to palette. I also hope to share some things that likewise might be hard to hear. My hope is that all things said will be said out of a place of respect, growth and healing. I hope that at least.

So it’s a very odd balance I find myself in these days. This Lagrange of contentment, joy, and anticipation. The same balance of what I hope to find words for, anticipate to hear, and what will eventually transpire. What my flesh wants to say, what my heart wants to say, and what the Lord knows I should say. It’s a different kind of place to be.

And that’s ok. Because this is life now

Dear Depression...

Soon as you start having a good day... am I right?! Today was good for the most part. Didn’t sleep in. Was productive all day but still made time for myself. Had a good night at work and then BOOM! Suddenly there’s a lump in my throat like I swallowed a whole jar of peanut butter with no milk, my eyes are full of tears, and I’m just trying to keep it together. 

Good grief. Sometimes you wish you could just remove certain obstacles from you life. I don’t want to be facing this right now....

But I am! 

That gives me a tangible hope. I haven’t been running from doing the real work, disguised as self care. Not that self care isn’t critical the mission, because it very much so is. However, when it comes to healing in a real way that matters, it’s a “both/and” kind of thing. You can’t just chose either the real stuff or self care. You have to balance the equation. 

I’ve been super diligent with therapy, but I definitely need to throw in a little more self care. I had just been so focus on not just my healing, but that of the crew that was around me because it was a struggle bus year for everyone. But now it’s time to turn that love inwards. So that couples massage I booked to surprise the ex is now going to be for a dear friend who just recently divorced her husband. Good girlfriends sometimes you gotta remind those you see in a tough season to love on themselves too. 

Therapy is going to be good tomorrow.