Dear Depression...

Ok 2019, I didn’t think we needed to add a trip to the ER to this years list of events but that happened yesterday. I’m feeling a lot better now that my stomach doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode and I can keep fluids down again. It was a rough, rough moment and I’m so grateful for the staff at University Medical Center Emergency Room. It took me a few hours to start fully normalizing but they were so on top of it. If you are in the New Orleans area and need emergency care, you’ll be in good hands there.

I want my appetite back, as well as my regular sleep cycle. The appetite is sneaking back in at times but the sleep thing needs to hurry the heck up. It’s also day one for quitting smoking again. It’s a gross habit and I’m ready to part ways with it again. I picked it back up at the beginning of the summer after I witnessed the exes infidelity with my own eyes. However, cigarettes are no way to handle stress. So I do expect the appetite back in full swing soon if only for transference.

Oddly enough right after the Tinder incident heard round the world I got this huge patch of eczema down the whole, left side of my body and down the front of both my shins. My eczema is stress induced so that was expected. But it wouldn’t go away, neither would the amount of things that just weren’t adding up. It was painful too y’all; hands down the worst run in with it ever. It constantly itched and would bleed often and scar. I couldn’t shave of where shorts/dresses nearly as often as I wanted. I mean I did because summer in Louisiana is no joke, but not nearly as often as I would like because people would just look at my legs like I was a leper or something. Plus it’s not like I could shave my legs to where shorts anyway without them bleeding more.

I digress. Like I said things weren’t adding up still. I prayed radically after he left for a trip to God that if any part of this relationship was from Him to take it fully away. So He did. Once I realized that not only was infidelity was still afoot but had ramped up actually, I confronted him about and we split up for good. But literally a week later my side was clear. My shins are moving a little slower. There’s still a little scarring on both that may be there for a bit, but hopefully should clear up. But can I get an amen for intuition! God gives it to us for a reason. I never had a reason to be jealous with him. Even when his ex tried to throw a wrench into things after we had started dating. I let him know I thought she was trying to mess with his head. And it played out that way; in time she was exposed. But he genuinely didn’t give me the cheating vibe until I saw it with my own two eyes. He literally swiped left in front of me. And that’s not jealousy; that’s fact. He did that to me, in front of me.

Regardless, I guess the point I’m trying to make is trust the intuition that God gives you. It’s there to protect you for a reason. I dodged a bullet and I’m so grateful. I’m not really sad about the loss of the relationship either now that clarity of what I just saved myself from has settled in. That’s been lifted off me. I’m just still trying to process the whole year front to back in general at this point. So much happened and I’m trying to make peace with not needing to know why and trusting that God will redeem the time. With that being said, once I’m fully charged again (physically speaking) I’m not taking any crap from the rest of this year or this depression. I’m taking it all head on.

Come on 2020!

Dear Depression...

F*ck you.

I wasn’t ready to be going through this AT all, but here we are together. I’ve been functionally depressed for quite some time now and had been building up to it. About this time last year I had just begun having a random day or two off after working everyday for 14 months straight. You read that correct. Crazy, I know. But I allowed myself to over schedule myself in that way. I’d decided things needed to change and taking care of myself needed to be more of a priority as far as work/life balance is concerned. At the beginning of this year I left a job I love but was ready to move on from, for I job that was familiar and comfortable to be able to afford that balance. I had started dating a great guy and 2019 looked like it was going to be a good year. That I had made some smart decisions and was going to get the balance I needed to be able to really embrace where life was going.

Then life happened out of left field in a way that we weren’t ready for. My own car crash, death x5, small house fire, flooded out car, full out breakdowns, break up, reconciliation, potential relocation, infidelity, the final break up, and being aware that more death is to come any day now, unfortunately. That is not exactly the work/life balance, “everything’s coming up roses” 2019 I was hoping for. And now I’m single too, and grateful because honestly I deserve so much better than that, despite the potential of what could have been. Especially for it to end the way it did after everything we managed to weather together. It’s a pretty crappy way to start down the home stretch towards 2020.

And right now in this moment I’m choosing to actively drop the ball on something that I’ve always been invested in. And not because I don’t care but right now I’ve clearly got to be super focused about caring about me first. I’m not going to push myself to another breakdown. I’ve communicated what I needed to in the way of needing to step back but it’s fallen on ears so deaf that they keep actively adding things on my plate. Which I hate. I’ll make my apologies for sure, in time.

So yeah, since the spring I’ve been in therapy regularly and it’s definitely been helping. Life was feeling very dark for a bit there and there are days that are still heavy. But I have hope cause I’m actually facing it and doing the work. Therapy isn’t glamorous, but glamour doesn’t work. I’m not on the gram pretending life is good right now because it’s just not. I genuinely couldn’t tell you the last time I posted. And the same for Facebook. Social media is just not for me in this season. I know the “value” that it adds would derail where my focus needs to be in this season of life. I’ll check out memes but even then that’s something that I’m doing less and less.

It was really hard going to my family and telling them I needed help at the beginning of the year. It really was, but I’m so glad I did. They and some really great friends have done nothing but surround me with the grace, love and financial support to be able to really focus on feeling better. I cannot even begin to quantify the amount of gratitude I have about that. If you’re in a heavy place don’t hesitate to reach out to those you trust for help. There may be much more support there than you expected. And real support. Vacations, spa trips, clothes; while you can write it off as self-care (which is important), self-care without the gritty work is all bullshit. You’re just kicking it down the street to deal with in a bigger, more difficult way further down the road. And no one know’s life’s timing, you know? Deal with your grief before it deals with you, because right person, wrong time or right place, wrong time are hard.

I’m going to be checking in with how life is moving as it keeps moving. If you believe in thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever… I could certainly use them and appreciate them. If you’re feeling low and don’t know what to do, reach out to someone for help. If you see someone struggling, say something! You never know what asking could do to open someone up. I’m taking my life, real world only and day by day and all I can do is hope it gets better as time goes on and continue to do the work and trust in it.

Watermelon Lemonade Slush

Watermelon Lemonade Slush

Photo by Victoria Shes

Watermelon Lemonade Slush

Ingredients

• 4-5 cups cubed watermelon

• 3/4 cup lemonade

• 1 1/2 tablespoons honey

Instructions

Start by cutting a watermelon in to cubes. If you’re unsure how to cut a watermelon or just want to save time, you can just used the pre-cut kind at the store. Just know that it will cost a little more. Once cut, place four cups of watermelon in a sealed bag and place it in the bag flat in freezer. Try to leave a little space in between the pieces so that they don’t freeze together. In about an hour they should be mostly frozen, which is just where you want them. Place about half the watermelon in a blender with all of the lemonade and blend on high. Add the honey and then slowly add the rest of the watermelon, making sure to blend in between. Blend for a minute more once everything is added. and then check consistency and adjust to your liking if needed. Then simply pour, garnish and enjoy! Makes four servings.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska

I made these last week for the Fourth of July with my partner. He and I had been walking around outside for most of the morning and were wanting snoballs, until we saw how long the line for them was. We decided to run to the store instead and to get stuff for smoothies, and we are so glad we did. These came out so light and refreshing without us having to wait in the heat. Watermelon is also packed full of water and potassium as well as antioxidants and amino acids, making it great natural alternative to sports drinks. You can definitely shift this recipe on the health scale a little bit depending on what kind of lemonade you use in it. Homemade lemonade traditionally has sugar in it, but you can use agave nectar, stevia or another more healthful sweetener to make it more healthful!