Dear Depression...

F*ck you.

I wasn’t ready to be going through this AT all, but here we are together. I’ve been functionally depressed for quite some time now and had been building up to it. About this time last year I had just begun having a random day or two off after working everyday for 14 months straight. You read that correct. Crazy, I know. But I allowed myself to over schedule myself in that way. I’d decided things needed to change and taking care of myself needed to be more of a priority as far as work/life balance is concerned. At the beginning of this year I left a job I love but was ready to move on from, for I job that was familiar and comfortable to be able to afford that balance. I had started dating a great guy and 2019 looked like it was going to be a good year. That I had made some smart decisions and was going to get the balance I needed to be able to really embrace where life was going.

Then life happened out of left field in a way that we weren’t ready for. My own car crash, death x5, small house fire, flooded out car, full out breakdowns, break up, reconciliation, potential relocation, infidelity, the final break up, and being aware that more death is to come any day now, unfortunately. That is not exactly the work/life balance, “everything’s coming up roses” 2019 I was hoping for. And now I’m single too, and grateful because honestly I deserve so much better than that, despite the potential of what could have been. Especially for it to end the way it did after everything we managed to weather together. It’s a pretty crappy way to start down the home stretch towards 2020.

And right now in this moment I’m choosing to actively drop the ball on something that I’ve always been invested in. And not because I don’t care but right now I’ve clearly got to be super focused about caring about me first. I’m not going to push myself to another breakdown. I’ve communicated what I needed to in the way of needing to step back but it’s fallen on ears so deaf that they keep actively adding things on my plate. Which I hate. I’ll make my apologies for sure, in time.

So yeah, since the spring I’ve been in therapy regularly and it’s definitely been helping. Life was feeling very dark for a bit there and there are days that are still heavy. But I have hope cause I’m actually facing it and doing the work. Therapy isn’t glamorous, but glamour doesn’t work. I’m not on the gram pretending life is good right now because it’s just not. I genuinely couldn’t tell you the last time I posted. And the same for Facebook. Social media is just not for me in this season. I know the “value” that it adds would derail where my focus needs to be in this season of life. I’ll check out memes but even then that’s something that I’m doing less and less.

It was really hard going to my family and telling them I needed help at the beginning of the year. It really was, but I’m so glad I did. They and some really great friends have done nothing but surround me with the grace, love and financial support to be able to really focus on feeling better. I cannot even begin to quantify the amount of gratitude I have about that. If you’re in a heavy place don’t hesitate to reach out to those you trust for help. There may be much more support there than you expected. And real support. Vacations, spa trips, clothes; while you can write it off as self-care (which is important), self-care without the gritty work is all bullshit. You’re just kicking it down the street to deal with in a bigger, more difficult way further down the road. And no one know’s life’s timing, you know? Deal with your grief before it deals with you, because right person, wrong time or right place, wrong time are hard.

I’m going to be checking in with how life is moving as it keeps moving. If you believe in thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever… I could certainly use them and appreciate them. If you’re feeling low and don’t know what to do, reach out to someone for help. If you see someone struggling, say something! You never know what asking could do to open someone up. I’m taking my life, real world only and day by day and all I can do is hope it gets better as time goes on and continue to do the work and trust in it.